If only...
I often talk with my students about accepting where they are, rather than focusing on where they wish they were or would like to be some day. But I sometimes forget to talk to them about letting go of the “what ifs.” We all have scenarios that we replay in our minds, wondering what could have gone differently. What if I had spoken up for myself? What if I had answered that phone call? What if I had said no instead of yes? What if…fill in the blank. I think I forget to talk to them about this because it’s something that I’ve personally struggled with.
The truth is, we can never know the answer to the “what ifs.” We can wonder about them, learn from the decisions we did make, and maybe make a different choice the next time, but it’s easy to get stuck there. What do you notice engaging in yourself when you think about one of your “what ifs?” Stuck is the best word I have for my experience of it. I feel locked into a pulled down feeling. I notice that I breathe shallowly, narrowing myself. My eyebrows knit together and my jaw tightens. So how does holding onto that moment serve me? If I’m feeling that stuck, I’m past the point where I’m learning from the choice that I did make.
Wondering what's down the path you didn't choose doesn't make for an enjoyable hike.
There is another way to ask “what if.” The useful kind of “what if” question is curiosity in the present moment. What if I let that go? What if I free my neck? What if I allow myself to be soft? What if I allow myself to be supported? “What if…” is an invitation to experiment - to be genuinely curious - and not be attached to a result. There is a song from the musical The Secret Garden called “The girl I mean to be.” The girl, Mary, sings about a place that is just for her. She calls it “a place where I can bid my heart be still and it will mind me - a place where I can go when I am lost and there I’ll find me.” What if you already are the person you mean to be? What if you let go and there you are? What if there’s nothing stopping you?
"The Girl I Mean to Be" from The Secret Garden by Lucy Simon and Marsha Norman
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